Teaching Honesty
Honesty is one of those core values that most parents agree on. We’d like to raise children that grow into adults that tell the truth, even when it’s hard.
For many parents it’s a trigger issue. At the first sign of a less than truthful statement from their child, the panic sets in.
Uh oh… my kid is lying! On purpose! I must fix this immediately!
All kids play around with lying, or half-truths, or omissions, or alternate versions of reality. It’s part of growing up, and entirely normal. Some children just play around with truth a bit more than others. And that’s ok too.
From my perspective children’s untruths tend to be split into two general categories:
1) Storytelling
2) Avoiding getting in trouble
“Storytelling” means simply that sometimes children make up events or accomplishments because:
a) They want a dose of that yummy attention of ours and are just a bit unsure about a better way to get it at the moment, AND
b) They have wild imaginations!
The trick is to just look for the feeling behind the story and respond to that.
Child: “Guess what! I jumped SO high, all the way to the top of the tree. Then I stood on the branch, then I jumped all the way down!”
Parent: “Wow. All the way up to the tree? That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? I wish I could do that too. It would feel like I was flying!”
And sometimes, kids will just weave nutty stories and will swear they are real. These come from those kids with deep and rich imaginations. You can differentiate it as a “story” while still having the child feel honored.
Child: “Yes, a gorilla DID come to my class today…and he ate the hamster!”
Parent: “Ate the hamster? That’s crazy! Now THAT is amazing. I love this story. What happens next?”
“Avoiding getting in trouble” tends to be the trickier one for us. Think about it….if a child thinks there might be a chance they’ll get in trouble for something, it’s likely their survival instinct will kick in and they’ll hide the truth. It makes perfect sense. That could look like hiding the sock they cut holes in, denying their participation in a marker-on-the-wall incident, saying their friend “gave” them the Spiderman, or they “found” that bouncy ball that looks a lot like the one you saw in the Walgreen’s check-out.
Don’t freak out. This is normal behavior. Yes, it’s important to teach your children honesty…but how you do it really matters.
Don’t get all Spanish Inquisition on them. Put away the chair and the spotlight. Don’t investigate or point out flaws in their argument. Don’t try to catch them in a lie. That breaks trust. If you know the truth, don’t set them up. And lastly, DON’T yell or have a big reactive response.
DO go in softly to the conversation, DO try to understand their perspective, DO remember that children learn values best when they are less anxious.
“I see you have a bouncy ball in your hand. I know you must love it because it has a dinosaur inside of it. You love dinosaurs. I also know that it belongs to the store because we didn’t buy it. That’s called “stealing” and it’s our job now to take it back. I know it’s hard sometimes, but it’s important to be honest. I’ll help you.”
“I hear you, your perspective is that you didn’t push your sister. My eyes saw a push. Please remember to be gentle. And remember that honesty is important in our family. I know it’s hard, but it matters.”
And then just move on! You don’t need an admission of guilt to wrap it up in a bow. If you require that a child confess they are now forced to choose between losing their dignity or engaging in a power struggle.
It’s important to let our children know that honesty is very important, but that we still see their innate goodness…it’s just practice.
And here’s the most important distinction of all:
When parents are highly reactive to dishonesty it inspires MORE DISHONESTY!
If a child feels like they’re stepping on a landmine when the lie is discovered, the less likely they are to be honest and the greater lengths they’ll go to in covering up untruths.
How you respond to your child’s lies now is an important part of the groundwork for whether they feel safe coming to you to talk about other hard stuff.
By practicing not being reactive during the hard moments, we are creating that “soft landing” for any and all of the vulnerable and hard things we want them to share with us down the road.
When to NOT be Patient
Many parents have expressed to me a desire to be more patient. They wonder how the other parents at the park seem to have it so “together” and I’m sure they never “lose it” when their child won’t get in the car seat. Other parents just seem to know “how to handle things like that” with more patience.
That’s when I kindly reassure them that they are nuts. We’re all a bit of a mess sometimes (or often). This parenting gig is rough. What might look like patience to you from a distance is often times lava-boiling, gut-churning, silent fury….being held at bay with every ounce of strength and self-control available at the moment.
True, there are some folks who are quicker to anger than others….and they earn that reactivity honestly…for many reasons. But it might be helpful for us to ask ourselves if our “patience” is actually patient…or if it’s silent anger being withheld and leaking out in other ways…. Read More
Why Kids Whine…..and why it drives us NUTS!
If there’s one thing all parents agree on, it’s that they find their child’s whining to be unpleasant. Our feelings about whining range from finding it uncomfortable and frustrating, to incredibly painful….worse than nails on a chalkboard.
I’ve never once heard a parent say,
“She is just so sweet when she whines…just melts my heart.”
It’s much more likely I’ll hear,
“When he whines I feel like my face is melting off and my ears are bleeding…I just want it to STOP!”
Here are a few reasons why whining is so hard on us:
2) We think it’s manipulative – Often times we think our child is manipulating us…trying to get what they want. They’re acting “spoiled” or “demanding” when they whine about something. This often triggers “THE HAMMER” to come out:
“Uh oh, I might be screwing something up…I might be raising a brat. No more mister nice parent, I better crack down on this right away!”
3) We think it’s regression – Whining looks and feels like regression. It seems like our competent and capable 5 year old crumbles into their 3 year old self. What the heck? You’re 5 now! Didn’t we agree the whining stage was over? Whenever we think we’re seeing regression, we get tense and upset….like we’re right back where we started. All our hard work is down the toilet.
But here’s the truth. When kids whine they are not manipulating us, there’s a real feeling there.
WHINING is the result of a REAL FEELING….
Love on an Empty Stomach
When parents are working on supporting their children through a rough patch, an important part of the solution is making sure to connect with them. Along with other strategies, I always make sure to include this important piece. If you’re asking your child to try hard to manage or erase a behavior, it’s important they are all “fueled up” for the job. And our kids’ fuel is rest, food, and CONNECTION.
Often times parents come back and say that they’ve tried…but it’s no fun at all. They tried to play, they tried to have a one-on-one date…and it was miserable. Their child whined, was bossy, threw a fit about the smallest things….it all felt like a waste of time. You’re even more frustrated with your child than when you started!
I remind parents and teachers (and myself) all the time that when a child is the MOST frustrating….the HARDEST to please….when you want to run far, FAR away from her….this is the time she needs you the most.
When a child is the hardest to be around, he is the most in need of connection. He is lonely, or stressed, or sad…..he is the hungriest for us.
All of us have heard the idea, or experienced it ourselves, that when your stomach is completely empty…whether because of illness or malnutrition… one must take care when eating that first time. If you binge on a starving stomach, you’ll often get sick. Your body is so depleted, and stomach so tender, that you need to take little bites.
This is how I think about connecting with our emotionally hungry child. When a child is in disequilibrium and is simply “a mess,” our gestures of connection are hitting an empty stomach. Whatever she is going through is depleting her reserves and she needs those hugs so desperately….he needs that play time….she longs for that one-on-one date. But because he’s depleted, it can be rocky like that first meal.
I believe that even if the connection time you designed didn’t seem to go well because he was whining and hard to be around…and even ended in a tantrum….that doesn’t mean it didn’t count. It just means it hit an empty stomach…and he’ll need another snack soon.
“Act your age!”
As parents we often find ourselves wishing, begging, pleading for our children to “act their age!”
This usually means we wish they would make something easier for us; like putting their shoes on without fuss, diving into homework without hassle, or going to bed without needing to be re-settled again and again.
But what does “acting their age” really mean? There is loads of science on child development, and there are widely-recognized milestones that we all use. These milestones help parents and teachers know what to expect, and when to expect it, from the little people they love.
But as we all are learning as parents, just because our child has reached a milestone doesn’t mean “we’re never going back THERE again. Thank goodness THAT stage has passed forever and ever.”
When it comes to emotional development, children often re-visit old stages, skip a stage, lurch forward to a new stage, then run back to a previous stage….all in a week. Or in an afternoon.
The truth is, kids change all the time. Every day while they play….every night while they sleep….their little bodies and minds are growing in magnificently invisible ways. The art of meeting a child where he is developmentally is really a wild dance with equal parts observation and guesswork. Read More
