For many parents it’s a trigger issue. At the first sign of a less than truthful statement from their child, the panic sets in.
Uh oh… my kid is lying! On purpose! I must fix this immediately!

All kids play around with lying, or half-truths, or omissions, or alternate versions of reality. It’s part of growing up, and entirely normal. Some children just play around with truth a bit more than others. And that’s ok too.

 From my perspective children’s untruths tend to be split into two general categories:
1) Storytelling
2) Avoiding getting in trouble

“Storytelling” means simply that sometimes children make up events or accomplishments because:
a) They want a dose of that yummy attention of ours and are just a bit unsure about a better way to get it at the moment, AND
b) They have wild imaginations!

The trick is to just look for the feeling behind the story and respond to that.

Child: “Guess what! I jumped SO high, all the way to the top of the tree. Then I stood on the branch, then I jumped all the way down!”

Parent: “Wow. All the way up to the tree? That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? I wish I could do that too. It would feel like I was flying!”

And sometimes, kids will just weave nutty stories and will swear they are real. These come from those kids with deep and rich imaginations. You can differentiate it as a “story” while still having the child feel honored.

Child: “Yes, a gorilla DID come to my class today…and he ate the hamster!”

Parent: “Ate the hamster? That’s crazy! Now THAT is amazing. I love this story. What happens next?”

“Avoiding getting in trouble” tends to be the trickier one for us. Think about it….if a child thinks there might be a chance they’ll get in trouble for something, it’s likely their survival instinct will kick in and they’ll hide the truth. It makes perfect sense. That could look like hiding the sock they cut holes in, denying their participation in a marker-on-the-wall incident, saying their friend “gave” them the Spiderman, or they “found” that bouncy ball that looks a lot like the one you saw in the Walgreen’s check-out.

Don’t freak out. This is normal behavior. Yes, it’s important to teach your children honesty…but how you do it really matters.

Don’t get all Spanish Inquisition on them. Put away the chair and the spotlight. Don’t investigate or point out flaws in their argument. Don’t try to catch them in a lie. That breaks trust. If you know the truth, don’t set them up. And lastly, DON’T yell or have a big reactive response.

DO go in softly to the conversation, DO try to understand their perspective, DO remember that children learn values best when they are less anxious.

“I see you have a bouncy ball in your hand. I know you must love it because it has a dinosaur inside of it. You love dinosaurs. I also know that it belongs to the store because we didn’t buy it. That’s called “stealing” and it’s our job now to take it back. I know it’s hard sometimes, but it’s important to be honest. I’ll help you.”

“I hear you, your perspective is that you didn’t push your sister. My eyes saw a push. Please remember to be gentle. And remember that honesty is important in our family. I know it’s hard, but it matters.”

And then just move on! You don’t need an admission of guilt to wrap it up in a bow. If you require that a child confess they are now forced to choose between losing their dignity or engaging in a power struggle.

It’s important to let our children know that honesty is very important, but that we still see their innate goodness…it’s just practice.

And here’s the most important distinction of all:

When parents are highly reactive to dishonesty it inspires MORE DISHONESTY!

If a child feels like they’re stepping on a landmine when the lie is discovered, the less likely they are to be honest and the greater lengths they’ll go to in covering up untruths.

How you respond to your child’s lies now is an important part of the groundwork for whether they feel safe coming to you to talk about other hard stuff.

By practicing not being reactive during the hard moments, we are creating that “soft landing” for any and all of the vulnerable and hard things we want them to share with us down the road.

 That’s when I kindly reassure them that they are nuts. We’re all a bit of a mess sometimes (or often). This parenting gig is rough. What might look like patience to you from a distance is often times lava-boiling, gut-churning, silent fury….being held at bay with every ounce of strength and self-control available at the moment.

 True, there are some folks who are quicker to anger than others….and they earn that reactivity honestly…for many reasons. But it might be helpful for us to ask ourselves if our “patience” is actually patient…or if it’s silent anger being withheld and leaking out in other ways….

In Haim Ginott’s classic book, Between Parent and Child, he discusses what he calls “Congruent Communication.”

“Having been brought up not to show our true emotions, we are proudest when,
in the midst of the greatest turmoil, we show the least reaction.  Some call it patience. 

But what children need from their parents and appreciate is a congruent response.
They want to hear words that reflect their parents’ true feelings.”

 He goes on to suggest that parents use “I feel” statements to express anger and frustration, and to not pretend they’re not angry. He suggests that parents should be honest, but should never “attack the child’s character or personality.”

“Jenny, what is WRONG with you?
Why can’t you listen? I’ve told you a hundred times not to hurt your brother.
You always make me so furious!”
(character attack)

vs.

“Jenny, I’m feeling very upset and frustrated.
I’ve talked to you many times about not hurting your brother,
and I’m feeling very sad and angry.  I’m not sure what else to do or say that would help.”
(no character attack)

 I would also add that it’s our responsibility to keep our expressions of anger and frustration at a level that feels safe and not scary for a child. Yelling, having threatening body posture, getting too close to the child while angry, and touching or holding them while angry are all too scary for a child. It doesn’t matter how great you shape your language and whether you use “I feel” statements if your body or voice is too aggressive.

 It’s also our job to control the anger. The goal is to express the upset and anger, and then to breathe and move on. No child deserves to be ranted to. One honest expression is enough…then stop. This takes a lot of practice, but gets easier the more successes you have.

 As you’ve heard me say before, children know. They know when we’re angry, they know when we’re sad, they know when we’re stressed….they’re very perceptive little creatures.

 Even if they don’t understand it, they can feel it. And often times when a child can feel anger behind the curtain, they pick and poke and misbehave to bring the anger forward. They like to have all of the cards on the table. Even if it’s unpleasant, it’s better than feeling it there brewing beneath the surface, not knowing when it might erupt.

 And like with a million other things in our parenting, this is fantastic modeling for children. They’ll learn that big feelings don’t have to be scary and out of control…and they are entitled to feel them, and express them…as long as it’s done respectfully.

If there’s one thing all parents agree on, it’s that they find their child’s whining to be unpleasant.  Our feelings about whining range from finding it uncomfortable and frustrating, to incredibly painful….worse than nails on a chalkboard. 

I’ve never once heard a parent say,
“She is just so sweet when she whines…just melts my heart.”

 It’s much more likely I’ll hear,
“When he whines I feel like my face is melting off and my ears are bleeding…I just want it to STOP!” 

Here are a few reasons why whining is so hard on us:

“Uh oh, I might be screwing something up…I might be raising a brat. No more mister nice parent, I better crack down on this right away!”

3) We think it’s regression – Whining looks and feels like regression. It seems like our competent and capable 5 year old crumbles into their 3 year old self. What the heck? You’re 5 now! Didn’t we agree the whining stage was over? Whenever we think we’re seeing regression, we get tense and upset….like we’re right back where we started. All our hard work is down the toilet.

 But here’s the truth. When kids whine they are not manipulating us, there’s a real feeling there.

WHINING is the result of a REAL FEELING….

 Whining is not constructed to annoy us. Think about how it feels when you’re on the verge of tears. When we’re about to cry our throat closes, our voice gets higher and thin…making it harder to speak. That’s what is happening to your children when they whine. They are on the edge of an emotional release, and the feelings are leaking out whether they like it or not.

 It’s also not regression. When a child visits some old behaviors, they have not time-traveled back to their younger self and erased all the work you’ve done. They’re still in their current stage, they’re just dipping their toes back into a younger time because they’re feeling out of sorts, and have a harder time accessing all of their great skills. The skills are still there.

 All that being said, it’s important that we be our child’s guide about how to communicate effectively in this world to build relationships and get your needs met. In our culture, whining is not a prized trait.

 When a child whines I might say something like,
“Please use your strong voice so I can really understand you.”
-or-
“I’ll be happy to get you more milk, please use your strong voice to ask so that I’ll understand.”

 By using “strong voice” I’m staying away from using “big boy/big girl” or “baby voice” words that can feel shaming for a child. Plus, they might think, “What’s so bad about being a baby? You’re nicer to my baby sister anyway!”

 While re-directing the whine, I’ll also take note of what that means about my child’s emotional state. Whining is one of those dashboard lights in parenting. It’s just a warning light….time to take a look under the hood to see what’s really going on in there.

Often times parents come back and say that they’ve tried…but it’s no fun at all. They tried to play, they tried to have a one-on-one date…and it was miserable. Their child whined, was bossy, threw a fit about the smallest things….it all felt like a waste of time. You’re even more frustrated with your child than when you started!

I remind parents and teachers (and myself) all the time that when a child is the MOST frustrating….the HARDEST to please….when you want to run far, FAR away from her….this is the time she needs you the most.

When a child is the hardest to be around, he is the most in need of connection. He is lonely, or stressed, or sad…..he is the hungriest for us.

All of us have heard the idea, or experienced it ourselves, that when your stomach is completely empty…whether because of illness or malnutrition… one must take care when eating that first time. If you binge on a starving stomach, you’ll often get sick. Your body is so depleted, and stomach so tender, that you need to take little bites.

This is how I think about connecting with our emotionally hungry child. When a child is in disequilibrium and is simply “a mess,” our gestures of connection are hitting an empty stomach. Whatever she is going through is depleting her reserves and she needs those hugs so desperately….he needs that play time….she longs for that one-on-one date. But because he’s depleted, it can be rocky like that first meal.

I believe that even if the connection time you designed didn’t seem to go well because he was whining and hard to be around…and even ended in a tantrum….that doesn’t mean it didn’t count. It just means it hit an empty stomach…and he’ll need another snack soon.

This usually means we wish they would make something easier for us; like putting their shoes on without fuss, diving into homework without hassle, or going to bed without needing to be re-settled again and again.

But what does “acting their age” really mean? There is loads of science on child development, and there are widely-recognized milestones that we all use. These milestones help parents and teachers know what to expect, and when to expect it, from the little people they love.

But as we all are learning as parents, just because our child has reached a milestone doesn’t mean “we’re never going back THERE again. Thank goodness THAT stage has passed forever and ever.”

When it comes to emotional development, children often re-visit old stages, skip a stage, lurch forward to a new stage, then run back to a previous stage….all in a week. Or in an afternoon.

The truth is, kids change all the time. Every day while they play….every night while they sleep….their little bodies and minds are growing in magnificently invisible ways. The art of meeting a child where he is developmentally is really a wild dance with equal parts observation and guesswork.  

What we need to remember is that our children want our permission and support on this wild developmental ride. It’s ok for them to feel little and helpless one day and feel big and powerful the next. That’s part of being a kid. As I wrote about last summer, it’s our job to let them have those unreasonable feelings and not try to convince them how silly it is for them to be feeling/acting so young.

This emotional roller coaster often leaves us feeling like we’re not sure how to connect with this ever-changing kid in a way that really works. Well, here’s the model I use:

“Meet the Mind, Remember the Heart”

Meeting the Mind:
We often underestimate the brain-power of children. Kids love to be spoken to and interacted with respectfully and intelligently. They love intellectual challenges, solving problems, and deep conversations. We need to remember to honor the agile minds of our children and meet them with the sparks to set off those explosions in their brains.

Or sometimes you have an enormous 4 year old, that everyone treats as if they are 6. This poor kid has unfair expectations of them constantly, because everyone forgets they are actually a little 4 year old inside that big body.

So, no matter the chronological age, or size of the body….meet your child’s mind where it really is.

Remembering the Heart:
Take your child’s age. Cut it in half. Now connect with her heart as you did when she was that age. That’s probably what she still needs.

 Nuzzle your 2 year old like you did when he was a baby. Have a tickle fight with your 6 year old like you did when she was 3. Give your 12 year old the “I’m so proud of you” as you did that first day of kindergarten. And hug your grown son as you did when he was 10.

 So, meet the mind and remember the heart. And next month you might see some of those magnificent invisible changes. Update, and reach out again….

It’s just about this time of year that I start hearing from parents that they are D.O.N.E. with summer.

They’re ready for the structure that the school year brings…they’re ready for letting someone else tire out their children…ready for some down time. Without the kids.

Summer begins by letting us celebrate not making lunches everyday, rejoice in turning off that terribly early alarm clock, delight in taking adventures with our family…and NO HOMEWORK!

And then…we start missing it all. A lot. Just in time for the new year to start! Genius, really.

It’s also during these last few weeks of summer that we seem to have an especially hard time keeping our cool with the kids. A few summers ago I wrote an article about Cooling Tempers in the home stretch of the summer, which is always a good reminder.

But today’s article is about how to design time for yourself that will allow you keep sane. Sanity is even more important than managing anger. Kids will generally choose an angry parent any day over a wild-eyed mother huddled in the corner, rocking back and forth, saying, “But mommy, you said I could have the pony!”

Yes, we’ve all been in that corner. Here’s how to keep ourselves out: 

Check-out -AND- Check-in

Checking Out:

As parents we all deserve some time to “check-out.” This is time where we don’t have to think, or worry, or process, or advise, or contemplate. It’s just turning our brain OFF. And it feels good.

We all have our own ways to check-out. Getting lost in a great book, watching Mad Men, having a drink with friends, watching a funny movie….whatever works.

Our bodies and brains are busy sun up to sun down, so make some time to check-out. Don’t wait until it’s “reasonable” to ask for it…or until you’re in total breakdown so you HAVE to do it. Make it happen now.

Checking In:

Getting lost in TV or books and checking out is usually the easier of the two, although we still don’t often give ourselves enough time to do it.

This one, the “checking-in,” tends to get placed so far down the list that it’s only a faint “ought to” we once had.

Part of staying connected and healthy is to make time to check-in. Going inside ourselves to see how we’re really doing is an important part of self-care. As busy parents we’re very good at going with the flow, letting the days take us along, mindlessly stumbling from one day to the next.

Checking-in is JUST as important as checking-out. They need to exist in partnership…in equal parts.

Some great ways to check-in are: yoga, meditation, journaling, sitting in silence (glorious silence!) with a cup of coffee or tea, going to counseling, having a deeper level conversation with a good friend, taking a walk, deep breaths.

Ask yourself some simple questions….

“How are you REALLY doing?”

“Are you ok?”

“What do you need?”

Taking sweet care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your children. It’s more important for you to be healthy and happy than it is for you to spend every moment with your children. Truly.

Take the time to “check-out” AND “check-in” to make it through these last weeks of summer, and then carry the practice with you into the school year. You somehow find the energy to feed your children every day…don’t forget to feed yourself.

One of the stunning parts of Dr. Gottman’s research is the ability to identify several factors in how a couple fights that allow him to predict how successful a couple will be. He contends, as do many marriage therapists, that HOW you fight is more important that HOW OFTEN you fight.

 Dr. Gottman identifies six “signs” that a couple is at risk for future challenges in their relationship. The first of these signs is what he calls the “Harsh Start-Up.”  

 A “Harsh Start-Up” is when a conversation or disagreement starts with a rough edge. Some examples are criticism, sarcasm or teasing, body language that is full of contempt, eye rolling, yelling, blaming, blows to your partner’s character, etc.

 Dr. Gottman writes that 96% of the time you can determine the success of a conversation within the first three minutes. If a conversation has a harsh start-up, it is nearly certain to fail.

 If we’re feeling hurt, or angry, or triggered, softening our entry into a conversation might be last on our list but it truly makes an enormous difference in whether or not we’re going to feel heard or get our needs met.

 If we want our partner to hear what we say and take it to heart, it is our responsibility to set them up for success, which means not immediately putting them on the defensive by coming in too hard.

 This concept applies in our parenting as well. If we want our child to hear our guidance, we have to put our wagging finger and mad voice away and approach more gently. Otherwise they won’t hear our teaching, only that they’re in trouble.

 Yes, we’re all going to vent and express frustration, and sometimes we’re going to go in too hard. I’d bet there isn’t a soul reading (or writing) this that hasn’t brought a “harsh start-up” to their relationship or their parenting at some point.

 The trick is to realize that once it’s headed down that road, it’s not a constructive conversation any longer and it’s time to pull the plug. Re-group, take a breath, and start again….this time more softly.

The first round is in the fall, as they drop off teary, sad, and scared kids at a new school, or in a new classroom. 

The second is in May, as parents are the ones with tears. We say goodbye to our beloved preschools – leaving the safety of that playground we know so well and those teachers who have loved and guided our children so beautifully.

Or we help our children say goodbye to a beloved elementary teacher, a friend that’s moving away, or just a stellar year that changed them in extraordinary ways.

And then there is the big one. High school graduation.

This May I find myself the one in need of support, as I watch my young daughter leave the halls of her beloved elementary school, walking towards her next big journey in middle school. And, the big one. My son graduated from high school Friday evening.   

I’ve been riding the emotional swells for weeks, letting the waves of grief, pride, worry, and excitement rise and fall inside my heart. It’s enough to break a mama’s heart.

And as I watched my son cross that stage and get his diploma, my heart heaving with equal parts loss and thrill, I could still see the little three year old boy in him. That young man walking so confidently away from me was the same scared little boy who cried and begged me not to leave the playground.

I smiled as I remembered the advice I once got when he was that scared little boy, and which I still give to tender parents to this day. Except this time, it’s me that’s crying.

So here’s some of that advice, but I give it to all the sons and daughters out there, whether they’re 5 and leaving their preschool or 18 and leaving home.

Although your parents are sad, and scared, and might wish you could stay longer on that playground -
your job is to offer a big hug, tell them you love them, that you’ll be back, and say goodbye anyway.

 Remember that your parents might have all kinds of feelings.
They might be sad, or quiet, or scared, or just want to run under the playscape and hide.
Some of these feelings might not make any sense to you, but you don’t need to understand them.
Just offer love and compassion, and say goodbye anyway.

 When you come back to visit that playground, you might find that your parents cry again,
and you might be confused about why. But remember that they’re ok.
They’ve just been saving many, many moments of missing you….
….and seeing you again reminds them of the times you weren’t there.
And though they seem so tender, and you wonder if they’re ok….say goodbye anyway.

 To all the graduates, big and little, who are beginning their next journey….remember this moment. Remember the day you step off of one playground and enter another, for in this moment you can see both everything you’ve learned and all that is coming next. It’s a important time.

 And to all of us tender parents out there, I wish us courage. We need to remember that the ferocious love that kept us bound to our child…as we protected them, nurtured them, guided them…is the same love that requires we let them go.

 What are scientists learning about the differences between boys’ and girls’ brains?
How many gender-specific traits does a child already posses when they land in our arms that first moment, and how many do they learn from us as parents?
From our culture?

It has been fascinating to “update” my training and learn about the new discoveries out there.  And it has been full of new surprises!

The truth is, we’re learning that gender is a bigger package of traits than we thought. We are shaped and molded by our surroundings in a million ways, but the number of gender-specific physiological and cognitive traits that we’re born with is stunning.

Today I’ll just focus on one….hearing differences….but you’ll hear about more differences in future newsletters.

And it goes without saying, that when speaking about gender differences there will always be exceptions. There are lots of boys and girls out there who don’t fit the mold. But given the extraordinary number of boys and girls that do, it’s worth studying.

Gender Differences in Hearing:   
We now know that hearing differences in boys and girls are not hormonally or environmentally influenced as we once thought. They are genetic differences. We also know now that the hearing differences only get bigger as a child gets older.

Girls hear higher tones and softer sounds with greater sensitivity than boys. Boys hear lower and louder sounds with more ease. These differences are evident at birth. As a girl grows she may be more fearful of dogs barking or sirens passing by than her brother. In school, she might notice a classmate tapping a pencil in the back of the room, while the boy at her desk may not notice it at all.

While often times boys choose to sit in the back of the classroom, they really need to be in the front. Their female teacher, with a higher pitched voice, is getting lost in the low hum of the air conditioning unit.

Girls (and their mothers!) will often tell dad to “STOP YELLING!” when dad feels he is using a normal voice, only speaking passionately. He’s then offended and feels misunderstood. His daughter or wife is shutting him out because his “intensity” is too much for them, and he just wants to be heard.

Mothers are often infuriated that their son is not responding to her pleas for putting shoes on or turning the TV off, nor did he acknowledge the “5 more minutes!” warning as she calls to him from the other room. She angrily storms over and yells at him for not listening, to his great surprise. This is the first he’s heard about the shoes. What’s she freaking out about?!

An exception seems to be boys who are highly sensitive, who often have highly tuned hearing and get overwhelmed with loud or repetitive sounds. And often times our girls or sensitive boys may appear to not hear as well as the research indicates because their focus on the details in front of them is hard to break.  And sometimes….kids just ignore us.

So, some advice. First for all, you dads and moms out there with louder voices, even if you’re not angry or yelling and just “speaking passionately,” take it down a notch when speaking to your daughters and sensitive sons. You’ll have a much better shot of them not getting overwhelmed and being able to listen to what you have to say.

Secondly, when giving a communication you want to be heard do your part to make sure it is received. Get closer, touch their back softly, ask for a response. Those three times you shouted it from the kitchen don’t count.

Finally, forgive your child for being overwhelmed by the sound of sirens, fireworks, and helicopters…. …for being rattled when the door closes hard or a baby cries. Like with so many other things our grown-up brain has forgotten, it’s best to just give your kid the benefit of the doubt. Believe them if they tell you it’s too loud or too scary. Regardless of how silly it seems to us, our kids need to feel we understand it might feel differently to them.

I often ask myself this question to help put things in perspective when I’m frustrated:

Where does the biggest regret lie?

Will I regret missing the concert because my daughter is crying and covering her ears? What if she learns that she can change the plan by crying? Will she ever learn to cope if she’s not exposed to life’s realities?

OR

Will I regret not listening to what my child is telling me? What if it really does hurt her ears and she’s not manipulating me? What if she learns that she can’t count on me…that I don’t trust her?

 I believe that children are exposed to many, many challenges….every day. Some big, many little. A school day provides a child with a plethora of challenges and requires them to adapt and modify their behavior over and over again. As parents we aren’t singularly responsible for “toughening” our child to survive the world. The world will teach them plenty about that.

 Our job is to remind our kids how great they are…to encourage them to have their courage match their potential and curiosity so they can live a self-expressed and joyful life.

 But when life is hard or overwhelming, or when they make mistakes, our children need to know we’ll be right there to hold and comfort them and wipe their tears…while never forgetting to set them gently back down to let them try again.

 For our first child, welcoming their sibling is a little less exciting. Sure, they’re excited…and very curious….and caught up in the love-fest. But they also aren’t quite sure the cranky parents and crying baby are 100% awesome….nor is the diversion of attention. Many big brothers and sisters have at one point asked, “can we put him back in now?”

Think about it. Before his or her little sibling came along, your first child was EVERYTHING. Everything to you, to the neighbor kid across the street, to the grandparents, to the cashier at the grocery store, to everyone. It seemed the whole world waited for their sweet smile or funny antics. Now that the new-baby-show is in town, even well-meaning friends and grandparents dish out their gushing “oh, isn’t she so sweet” and “look how tiny he is” in heaps to the new baby and give the “my, you’ve gotten so big!” crumbs to the oldest. To which our oldest often thinks, “Screw this big brother thing, I want to be little again!”  

 As exhausted parents we want desperately for our oldest to act like the oldest. We want them to go to sleep without fuss, we want them to take a bath without complaining, and for heaven’s sake…. please put your own shoes on – PLEASE!

 All this pressure to be big, at a time when they are wishing they were little, can lead to some behaviors in our kid that look like regression (potty accidents, whining, sleep disruption, “can’t do it“) and sometimes it can also look like mad, resentful, or sometimes aggressive behaviors towards the new sibling.

 Now these feelings don’t just occur in families with a new baby. These resentful feelings in the oldest will rise to the surface occasionally (or frequently!) for years. It’s just that older kids generally know how to manage (or hide) their feelings better than toddlers.

 An important way you can help is in your listening. When your oldest complains and laments about the youngest…how “annoying” they are, how they always “mess up everything“…instead of defending the youngest (Oh, she just wants to play with you!), try saying something like:

 ”Yeah, I hear ya – it’s really hard being a big brother isn’t it? You’re pretty darn good at it, but I know it stinks sometimes. How can I help make it easier?”

 By reflecting her feelings and offering to help you’re not saying, “You’re right, your sister’s a HUGE pain in the butt!” You’re just letting her know that you can see her side of the coin as well. You’re there to support ALL of your kids to have their needs net.

And remember to let your oldest be little sometimes. Whether they’re 2 or 12, remember to nurture and cuddle and play with your oldest like you used to. Even if they think they’re “too cool” for that and they don’t need it…it’s usually not true. They just feel scared asking for it because we’ve asked them to be big and responsible so many times. They think that’s the kid we want, not the needy and emotional kid. They want to be scooped up and nuzzled, and gazed at with the love and attentiveness we offered them when they were new to us.

Tell your oldest stories about his time inside your belly, his birth, and newborn days. If adopted or a step-child, tell her about the first time you held her in your arms or laid eyes on her. Tell your oldest about how you cried when you first saw her because she was so beautiful. Tell him how you use to stare at him for hours, your heart aching with a love you never new existed. Share that it really was a special time, when it was just her, before her sibling came, and that you’ll always remember how she changed your heart.

 Lastly, we all need to remember that although you and I are certain that we’ve got enough love for each of our children, we can’t assume they are certain as well. We need to show our oldest, in words and actions, that it’s true.