I asked some of the amazing children I know some questions about mothers, and what I found gave me belly laughs and eyes filled with tears.

Ready? Here we go….

If you could give your very best suggestions to mothers out there, about how to be the best mama they can be….what would that list be?

 Maya (10) and Eleanor (9)
1) Joke a lot.
2) Don’t forget to play games.
3) Sing when you tuck your kids in.
4) Don’t be an embarrassment.
5) No matter how much they say no to sunscreen, give them some anyway.
6) If they get in trouble, go light on them.
7) Don’t be over-protective.
8) If they’re scared, sleep with them and give them their favorite stuffed animal.
9) Kiss their boo-boo’s – even if they’re big kids.
10) Don’t hug your children in front of their friends.

If you could write a thank you note to the moms out there, what would it say?

Haley (13)
“Dear Moms,
Thank you for being there and swinging us on the swings and still being there to drive us to the mall. You encourage us to work hard to study, but then also stay up with us to help. Sometimes we pull away from your hugs, but just remember that we love you. We always will.”

What is something you LOVE about your mom?  What makes her special?

Jasper (9)
“She is very generous and loving….and she is very nice….she makes food for us”

Veda (5)
“I love her. She is silly. And I like when she helps me get my clothes on in the morning”

Lucy (4)
“I love her because she feeds me…and she takes good care of me.”

Freya (5)
“I like my mom because she takes care of my family.
I love that she gives kisses and hugs.
I like that she plays with me sometimes. 
I love who she is and what she looks like.”

Roman (5)
“She is really good at hopscotch – she learned when she was a little kid!
I know my mom is smart because she teaches me to do seat-drops on the trampoline.”

~

A conversation with Arden (7) and Oscar (3)

Arden: She’s the bestest mom ever. And her body is mostly made of love. And the second thing her body is made of is snuggles.

Oscar: And her third thing that her body is made of is bones and skin.

Arden: She gives the bestest snuggles!

Oscar: She gives me night night baby milk!

Arden: She loves me like I am her.

Oscar: She love love love love love love loves me.

Arden: When I am sad she makes me happy.

Oscar: What is happy tears? I don’t know either. No one gives me happy tears. But right now I have a happy tear on my eye.

Arden: She loves all of the parts of my body.

Arden: She teaches me how to juggle!

Oscar: She pees in my eyeballs and poops on my head.

Arden: She gives me nutella.

Arden: She helps me write cursive.

Arden: She helps me be healthy.

Arden: She is the one I can count on most.

Oscar: She draws with me.

Arden: She lets me pick up the cockroaches in the house!

Arden: She helps me when I’m hurt.

Oscar: She helps me poop. She stays with me until I’m done. She breathes out the hard poops with me.

Arden: When there are tears in my eyes, she vanishes them.

Arden: Her soul is made of love.

Oscar: My soul’s made of love. And she is my soul.

Arden: She loves all the things that I make.

Oscar: She loves all the things that I draw.

Arden: She helps me calm down when I’m mad.

Oscar: She does that for me too! Hey!

Well, now I’ve got a happy tear on my eye.

I’ve got some love to send to the mamas out there also. Ladies, you amaze me. Every day. The strength and stamina you bring to your mothering is stunning, and your love is so fierce. I’m immensely grateful and humbled to be invited to support your journey as mothers, and I continue to learn more and more each day. I love how you love your children and work so hard to remember to love yourself as well. To the mamas I know in my personal world, and the mamas I know in my work…I wish you a most spectacular Mother’s Day.

And to my mom….
Thank you for being a steady heartbeat of love and strength in my life. The evenings spent with my head in your lap, as you stroked my hair, continue to be a memory pool of love that I can dip into whenever I’m tender or unsure. Thank you. I love you, mama.

1) My child can’t sit still! She seems to have a hard time focusing on one thing at a time.

2) I can’t get my kid to transition from one thing to the next! He gets stuck in one task or activity, and can’t seem to move on without a big fight.

Today I’ll speak briefly about the second….those children with deep focus that are hard to move forward.

There are some parents who have concern #1 who are rolling their eyes right now.
Oh, wow. I’m sorry your kid has “deep focus.” How tragic.  Should we start you a support group?

But the truth is, the child with deep focus does not always focus on school work, reading, or watching a sunset. They also focus deeply on their sock, taking 30 minutes to put it on. They focus deeply on the TV or video game, and throw a nuclear tantrum when it’s time to turn it off. They focus deeply on the bed sheet not feeling quite right, with a slight discrepancy that is undetectable by grown-up eyes, resulting in tears and anger, a late bedtime, and a very annoyed parent….

It’s not all fun and games, folks. It can be very frustrating when you’re trying to move through a morning routine.

Some children seem to have a kind of focus that is what I call “ten stories deep.” It’s as if they’ve taken the elevator down to some mysterious floor that I’m not welcome to. I’m here on the ground floor shouting down the elevator shaft that it’s time to stop playing Legos and clean up for dinner. But he only hears a distant murmur.

 If this is your child or student, here’s what I’ve found works best:

 1) Get Close
The child down the elevator shaft most certainly can’t hear you from the kitchen. If you’ve told her five times to go put on her shoes from across the room, those communications don’t count. Go over to her, squat down, give the message quietly right next to her body.

 2) Touch
A great way to bring the elevator up a couple floors is to touch the child. A gentle hand on his back with a little rub, or a sweet tousle of the hair with your fingers can really help. It starts to bring the focus back in the room.

3) Be Calm, Be Positive
Try to keep your aggravation in check. Take a breath and relax a little bit. If you can be calm and positive, you’ve got a better shot of getting her attention. Who wants to come up the elevator to a fuming, angry parent? No thanks, I’ll stay down here.

 4) Get IN before you pull them OUT
This is my favorite trick, and it really works!
Before you ask a focused child to stop whatever activity or task he’s doing, get into his world first….before you pull him out. Here are some examples:

TV/Video Game

 (Sitting down or standing next to your child)

Parent: “Whoa, I like that guy’s car… I wish I had one like that.  How fast do you think it goes?” 

Child: “I don’t know. Fast. Like a hundred.”

 Parent: “That’s crazy fast. Hey, when this show is over it’s time to turn it off and wash up. 
Then I want to hear more about that other car there – it’ll be hard to decide which one I like best.”

—

Legos (or painting, or making mud pies, etc.)

 (Sitting down or standing next to your child)

Parent: “Hey, what’s that you’re making there? Looks like a castle. Is that right?”

 Child: “No, it’s a firehouse.”

 Parent: “Oh, right. Is that guy right there the fireman?

 Child: “Yeah. He’s got a special coat.”

 Parent: “I see that. Good thing….we want him to be safe. Hey, in two minutes we’ll need to leave this and come get some shoes on. In the car I want to hear about the fire he’s headed to.”

——

You’re taking the elevator down to their level first, and then coming up together. It just seems to work better that way for these kids. And remember….

 When children feel listened to and respected,
they are more likely to offer their own listening and respect in return.

It takes a bit of extra work on the front end, but what it allows for is the possibility of a smoother transition and less tears or anger…which is ultimately more efficient and takes less time.

So, bite the bullet and bring your best. It’ll get you in the car faster, I promise.

For instance, I thought it would be easier than it has been….I thought I would make fewer mistakes….I thought I’d get more sleep….I thought I would like to play hopscotch and board games whenever my kids asked….’cause, hey – I’m fun!

Well, all of those proved to be a bit off. And that’s not all. I also had this idea about how much our kids need us as they grow older, and I was a bit off about that as well….

I used to think that as my children got older they would need less and less of my emotional and physical energy. They would get more interested in friends and hobbies than spending time with me, and then I could really get more rest and have time for a career.

I invested loads and loads of energy into my kids and into my parenting when they were babies and preschoolers. I was a stay-at-home mom and then their teacher….”being a mom” was what I did those years.

When both girls were fully settled into elementary school I started my practice and began investing a lot more time into my work. I assumed that they didn’t need as much of me, so I began spreading my heart and brain energy around a bit more.

To my surprise, my kids have still needed me….as much as they always have…just in different ways. And these different ways require as much emotional energy as carrying a crying toddler off a playground.

They need patience, they need ideas and problem-solving, they need compassion, they need hugs, they need play, they need connection time, they need to feel special, they need arms to cry in. And because their heartaches and fears are bigger and more mature, they actually feel heavier in my heart and on my mind.

My daughter told me a few months ago that she wished I worked less and didn’t “do so many workshops.” For the first moment I felt defensive…. 

“What?? I design my work schedule to be home in the afternoons with you! Sure, I’m working on the computer for some of that time, but hey – at least we’re together!”

But in the next breath I had this moment of clarity.

I realized that as much time as I spent with her at home when she was young, nurturing our little family and building a safe nest, she won’t remember any of that. She’s going to remember me helping her through the betrayal of a friend, or making it through algebra, or taking walks in the neighborhood and talking about the places she wants to travel in her lifetime.

Right now…these days…THIS WEEK….is what they’re going to remember. And I need to remember to bring as much of my heart and soul to the table as I did when they were three.

So in the days since I’ve been really trying on the idea that it’s time to let go of the myth that I’m less needed these days, and remembering that creating memories of connection and building relationship is as important as learning to use the potty and using words instead of hitting.

I still get to have time for myself, grow a business, and spend more time with my husband…but all with the mindfulness that I need to maintain enough balance and life/work boundaries to protect my parenting life.

It’s been an incredible reminder that as a parent I’m an eternal student, learning as I go along. It’s amazing how many new lessons are around each bend for me….even when I talk about parenting all day!

But I wasn’t wrong about everything….
I’m definitely getting more sleep.

For many parents it’s a trigger issue. At the first sign of a less than truthful statement from their child, the panic sets in.
Uh oh… my kid is lying! On purpose! I must fix this immediately!

All kids play around with lying, or half-truths, or omissions, or alternate versions of reality. It’s part of growing up, and entirely normal. Some children just play around with truth a bit more than others. And that’s ok too.

 From my perspective children’s untruths tend to be split into two general categories:
1) Storytelling
2) Avoiding getting in trouble

“Storytelling” means simply that sometimes children make up events or accomplishments because:
a) They want a dose of that yummy attention of ours and are just a bit unsure about a better way to get it at the moment, AND
b) They have wild imaginations!

The trick is to just look for the feeling behind the story and respond to that.

Child: “Guess what! I jumped SO high, all the way to the top of the tree. Then I stood on the branch, then I jumped all the way down!”

Parent: “Wow. All the way up to the tree? That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? I wish I could do that too. It would feel like I was flying!”

And sometimes, kids will just weave nutty stories and will swear they are real. These come from those kids with deep and rich imaginations. You can differentiate it as a “story” while still having the child feel honored.

Child: “Yes, a gorilla DID come to my class today…and he ate the hamster!”

Parent: “Ate the hamster? That’s crazy! Now THAT is amazing. I love this story. What happens next?”

“Avoiding getting in trouble” tends to be the trickier one for us. Think about it….if a child thinks there might be a chance they’ll get in trouble for something, it’s likely their survival instinct will kick in and they’ll hide the truth. It makes perfect sense. That could look like hiding the sock they cut holes in, denying their participation in a marker-on-the-wall incident, saying their friend “gave” them the Spiderman, or they “found” that bouncy ball that looks a lot like the one you saw in the Walgreen’s check-out.

Don’t freak out. This is normal behavior. Yes, it’s important to teach your children honesty…but how you do it really matters.

Don’t get all Spanish Inquisition on them. Put away the chair and the spotlight. Don’t investigate or point out flaws in their argument. Don’t try to catch them in a lie. That breaks trust. If you know the truth, don’t set them up. And lastly, DON’T yell or have a big reactive response.

DO go in softly to the conversation, DO try to understand their perspective, DO remember that children learn values best when they are less anxious.

“I see you have a bouncy ball in your hand. I know you must love it because it has a dinosaur inside of it. You love dinosaurs. I also know that it belongs to the store because we didn’t buy it. That’s called “stealing” and it’s our job now to take it back. I know it’s hard sometimes, but it’s important to be honest. I’ll help you.”

“I hear you, your perspective is that you didn’t push your sister. My eyes saw a push. Please remember to be gentle. And remember that honesty is important in our family. I know it’s hard, but it matters.”

And then just move on! You don’t need an admission of guilt to wrap it up in a bow. If you require that a child confess they are now forced to choose between losing their dignity or engaging in a power struggle.

It’s important to let our children know that honesty is very important, but that we still see their innate goodness…it’s just practice.

And here’s the most important distinction of all:

When parents are highly reactive to dishonesty it inspires MORE DISHONESTY!

If a child feels like they’re stepping on a landmine when the lie is discovered, the less likely they are to be honest and the greater lengths they’ll go to in covering up untruths.

How you respond to your child’s lies now is an important part of the groundwork for whether they feel safe coming to you to talk about other hard stuff.

By practicing not being reactive during the hard moments, we are creating that “soft landing” for any and all of the vulnerable and hard things we want them to share with us down the road.

 That’s when I kindly reassure them that they are nuts. We’re all a bit of a mess sometimes (or often). This parenting gig is rough. What might look like patience to you from a distance is often times lava-boiling, gut-churning, silent fury….being held at bay with every ounce of strength and self-control available at the moment.

 True, there are some folks who are quicker to anger than others….and they earn that reactivity honestly…for many reasons. But it might be helpful for us to ask ourselves if our “patience” is actually patient…or if it’s silent anger being withheld and leaking out in other ways….

In Haim Ginott’s classic book, Between Parent and Child, he discusses what he calls “Congruent Communication.”

“Having been brought up not to show our true emotions, we are proudest when,
in the midst of the greatest turmoil, we show the least reaction.  Some call it patience. 

But what children need from their parents and appreciate is a congruent response.
They want to hear words that reflect their parents’ true feelings.”

 He goes on to suggest that parents use “I feel” statements to express anger and frustration, and to not pretend they’re not angry. He suggests that parents should be honest, but should never “attack the child’s character or personality.”

“Jenny, what is WRONG with you?
Why can’t you listen? I’ve told you a hundred times not to hurt your brother.
You always make me so furious!”
(character attack)

vs.

“Jenny, I’m feeling very upset and frustrated.
I’ve talked to you many times about not hurting your brother,
and I’m feeling very sad and angry.  I’m not sure what else to do or say that would help.”
(no character attack)

 I would also add that it’s our responsibility to keep our expressions of anger and frustration at a level that feels safe and not scary for a child. Yelling, having threatening body posture, getting too close to the child while angry, and touching or holding them while angry are all too scary for a child. It doesn’t matter how great you shape your language and whether you use “I feel” statements if your body or voice is too aggressive.

 It’s also our job to control the anger. The goal is to express the upset and anger, and then to breathe and move on. No child deserves to be ranted to. One honest expression is enough…then stop. This takes a lot of practice, but gets easier the more successes you have.

 As you’ve heard me say before, children know. They know when we’re angry, they know when we’re sad, they know when we’re stressed….they’re very perceptive little creatures.

 Even if they don’t understand it, they can feel it. And often times when a child can feel anger behind the curtain, they pick and poke and misbehave to bring the anger forward. They like to have all of the cards on the table. Even if it’s unpleasant, it’s better than feeling it there brewing beneath the surface, not knowing when it might erupt.

 And like with a million other things in our parenting, this is fantastic modeling for children. They’ll learn that big feelings don’t have to be scary and out of control…and they are entitled to feel them, and express them…as long as it’s done respectfully.

If there’s one thing all parents agree on, it’s that they find their child’s whining to be unpleasant.  Our feelings about whining range from finding it uncomfortable and frustrating, to incredibly painful….worse than nails on a chalkboard. 

I’ve never once heard a parent say,
“She is just so sweet when she whines…just melts my heart.”

 It’s much more likely I’ll hear,
“When he whines I feel like my face is melting off and my ears are bleeding…I just want it to STOP!” 

Here are a few reasons why whining is so hard on us:

“Uh oh, I might be screwing something up…I might be raising a brat. No more mister nice parent, I better crack down on this right away!”

3) We think it’s regression – Whining looks and feels like regression. It seems like our competent and capable 5 year old crumbles into their 3 year old self. What the heck? You’re 5 now! Didn’t we agree the whining stage was over? Whenever we think we’re seeing regression, we get tense and upset….like we’re right back where we started. All our hard work is down the toilet.

 But here’s the truth. When kids whine they are not manipulating us, there’s a real feeling there.

WHINING is the result of a REAL FEELING….

 Whining is not constructed to annoy us. Think about how it feels when you’re on the verge of tears. When we’re about to cry our throat closes, our voice gets higher and thin…making it harder to speak. That’s what is happening to your children when they whine. They are on the edge of an emotional release, and the feelings are leaking out whether they like it or not.

 It’s also not regression. When a child visits some old behaviors, they have not time-traveled back to their younger self and erased all the work you’ve done. They’re still in their current stage, they’re just dipping their toes back into a younger time because they’re feeling out of sorts, and have a harder time accessing all of their great skills. The skills are still there.

 All that being said, it’s important that we be our child’s guide about how to communicate effectively in this world to build relationships and get your needs met. In our culture, whining is not a prized trait.

 When a child whines I might say something like,
“Please use your strong voice so I can really understand you.”
-or-
“I’ll be happy to get you more milk, please use your strong voice to ask so that I’ll understand.”

 By using “strong voice” I’m staying away from using “big boy/big girl” or “baby voice” words that can feel shaming for a child. Plus, they might think, “What’s so bad about being a baby? You’re nicer to my baby sister anyway!”

 While re-directing the whine, I’ll also take note of what that means about my child’s emotional state. Whining is one of those dashboard lights in parenting. It’s just a warning light….time to take a look under the hood to see what’s really going on in there.

Often times parents come back and say that they’ve tried…but it’s no fun at all. They tried to play, they tried to have a one-on-one date…and it was miserable. Their child whined, was bossy, threw a fit about the smallest things….it all felt like a waste of time. You’re even more frustrated with your child than when you started!

I remind parents and teachers (and myself) all the time that when a child is the MOST frustrating….the HARDEST to please….when you want to run far, FAR away from her….this is the time she needs you the most.

When a child is the hardest to be around, he is the most in need of connection. He is lonely, or stressed, or sad…..he is the hungriest for us.

All of us have heard the idea, or experienced it ourselves, that when your stomach is completely empty…whether because of illness or malnutrition… one must take care when eating that first time. If you binge on a starving stomach, you’ll often get sick. Your body is so depleted, and stomach so tender, that you need to take little bites.

This is how I think about connecting with our emotionally hungry child. When a child is in disequilibrium and is simply “a mess,” our gestures of connection are hitting an empty stomach. Whatever she is going through is depleting her reserves and she needs those hugs so desperately….he needs that play time….she longs for that one-on-one date. But because he’s depleted, it can be rocky like that first meal.

I believe that even if the connection time you designed didn’t seem to go well because he was whining and hard to be around…and even ended in a tantrum….that doesn’t mean it didn’t count. It just means it hit an empty stomach…and he’ll need another snack soon.

This usually means we wish they would make something easier for us; like putting their shoes on without fuss, diving into homework without hassle, or going to bed without needing to be re-settled again and again.

But what does “acting their age” really mean? There is loads of science on child development, and there are widely-recognized milestones that we all use. These milestones help parents and teachers know what to expect, and when to expect it, from the little people they love.

But as we all are learning as parents, just because our child has reached a milestone doesn’t mean “we’re never going back THERE again. Thank goodness THAT stage has passed forever and ever.”

When it comes to emotional development, children often re-visit old stages, skip a stage, lurch forward to a new stage, then run back to a previous stage….all in a week. Or in an afternoon.

The truth is, kids change all the time. Every day while they play….every night while they sleep….their little bodies and minds are growing in magnificently invisible ways. The art of meeting a child where he is developmentally is really a wild dance with equal parts observation and guesswork.  

What we need to remember is that our children want our permission and support on this wild developmental ride. It’s ok for them to feel little and helpless one day and feel big and powerful the next. That’s part of being a kid. As I wrote about last summer, it’s our job to let them have those unreasonable feelings and not try to convince them how silly it is for them to be feeling/acting so young.

This emotional roller coaster often leaves us feeling like we’re not sure how to connect with this ever-changing kid in a way that really works. Well, here’s the model I use:

“Meet the Mind, Remember the Heart”

Meeting the Mind:
We often underestimate the brain-power of children. Kids love to be spoken to and interacted with respectfully and intelligently. They love intellectual challenges, solving problems, and deep conversations. We need to remember to honor the agile minds of our children and meet them with the sparks to set off those explosions in their brains.

Or sometimes you have an enormous 4 year old, that everyone treats as if they are 6. This poor kid has unfair expectations of them constantly, because everyone forgets they are actually a little 4 year old inside that big body.

So, no matter the chronological age, or size of the body….meet your child’s mind where it really is.

Remembering the Heart:
Take your child’s age. Cut it in half. Now connect with her heart as you did when she was that age. That’s probably what she still needs.

 Nuzzle your 2 year old like you did when he was a baby. Have a tickle fight with your 6 year old like you did when she was 3. Give your 12 year old the “I’m so proud of you” as you did that first day of kindergarten. And hug your grown son as you did when he was 10.

 So, meet the mind and remember the heart. And next month you might see some of those magnificent invisible changes. Update, and reach out again….

It’s just about this time of year that I start hearing from parents that they are D.O.N.E. with summer.

They’re ready for the structure that the school year brings…they’re ready for letting someone else tire out their children…ready for some down time. Without the kids.

Summer begins by letting us celebrate not making lunches everyday, rejoice in turning off that terribly early alarm clock, delight in taking adventures with our family…and NO HOMEWORK!

And then…we start missing it all. A lot. Just in time for the new year to start! Genius, really.

It’s also during these last few weeks of summer that we seem to have an especially hard time keeping our cool with the kids. A few summers ago I wrote an article about Cooling Tempers in the home stretch of the summer, which is always a good reminder.

But today’s article is about how to design time for yourself that will allow you keep sane. Sanity is even more important than managing anger. Kids will generally choose an angry parent any day over a wild-eyed mother huddled in the corner, rocking back and forth, saying, “But mommy, you said I could have the pony!”

Yes, we’ve all been in that corner. Here’s how to keep ourselves out: 

Check-out -AND- Check-in

Checking Out:

As parents we all deserve some time to “check-out.” This is time where we don’t have to think, or worry, or process, or advise, or contemplate. It’s just turning our brain OFF. And it feels good.

We all have our own ways to check-out. Getting lost in a great book, watching Mad Men, having a drink with friends, watching a funny movie….whatever works.

Our bodies and brains are busy sun up to sun down, so make some time to check-out. Don’t wait until it’s “reasonable” to ask for it…or until you’re in total breakdown so you HAVE to do it. Make it happen now.

Checking In:

Getting lost in TV or books and checking out is usually the easier of the two, although we still don’t often give ourselves enough time to do it.

This one, the “checking-in,” tends to get placed so far down the list that it’s only a faint “ought to” we once had.

Part of staying connected and healthy is to make time to check-in. Going inside ourselves to see how we’re really doing is an important part of self-care. As busy parents we’re very good at going with the flow, letting the days take us along, mindlessly stumbling from one day to the next.

Checking-in is JUST as important as checking-out. They need to exist in partnership…in equal parts.

Some great ways to check-in are: yoga, meditation, journaling, sitting in silence (glorious silence!) with a cup of coffee or tea, going to counseling, having a deeper level conversation with a good friend, taking a walk, deep breaths.

Ask yourself some simple questions….

“How are you REALLY doing?”

“Are you ok?”

“What do you need?”

Taking sweet care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your children. It’s more important for you to be healthy and happy than it is for you to spend every moment with your children. Truly.

Take the time to “check-out” AND “check-in” to make it through these last weeks of summer, and then carry the practice with you into the school year. You somehow find the energy to feed your children every day…don’t forget to feed yourself.

One of the stunning parts of Dr. Gottman’s research is the ability to identify several factors in how a couple fights that allow him to predict how successful a couple will be. He contends, as do many marriage therapists, that HOW you fight is more important that HOW OFTEN you fight.

 Dr. Gottman identifies six “signs” that a couple is at risk for future challenges in their relationship. The first of these signs is what he calls the “Harsh Start-Up.”  

 A “Harsh Start-Up” is when a conversation or disagreement starts with a rough edge. Some examples are criticism, sarcasm or teasing, body language that is full of contempt, eye rolling, yelling, blaming, blows to your partner’s character, etc.

 Dr. Gottman writes that 96% of the time you can determine the success of a conversation within the first three minutes. If a conversation has a harsh start-up, it is nearly certain to fail.

 If we’re feeling hurt, or angry, or triggered, softening our entry into a conversation might be last on our list but it truly makes an enormous difference in whether or not we’re going to feel heard or get our needs met.

 If we want our partner to hear what we say and take it to heart, it is our responsibility to set them up for success, which means not immediately putting them on the defensive by coming in too hard.

 This concept applies in our parenting as well. If we want our child to hear our guidance, we have to put our wagging finger and mad voice away and approach more gently. Otherwise they won’t hear our teaching, only that they’re in trouble.

 Yes, we’re all going to vent and express frustration, and sometimes we’re going to go in too hard. I’d bet there isn’t a soul reading (or writing) this that hasn’t brought a “harsh start-up” to their relationship or their parenting at some point.

 The trick is to realize that once it’s headed down that road, it’s not a constructive conversation any longer and it’s time to pull the plug. Re-group, take a breath, and start again….this time more softly.